[[likes]]
everything.
people tt talk alot.
pink stuff.
Point of Grace.
[[hates]]
offals of animals.
things that smell bad.
pig's liver.
Monday, March 19, 2007
DEATH vs. LIFE
It was a very trying week, last week. the sadness tt filled my heart could not be explained or understood by anyone. whenever i think abt wat has happened, i can't help but juz cry. no amt of sharing tt i can ever do will ever help me feel better...
I guess it is due to the fact tt i am mourning. mourning for the death of a patient. being an OT nurse have made me too be less compassionate to the patients tt i nurse. i mean, all the contact tt i have wif them is merely only a matter of minutes b4 they are all "put to sleep" by the anaesthetist. so i am not particularly sad when a cancer patient come in for insertion of a port or excision of their tumout, or so i thought.
But after tt fateful day, i have come to realise tt tt is not true at all. perhaps it is bcoz most patient who come in for op always wake up frm their GA or are well enuf for us to transfer them to the ICU, thus i kept thinking tt i have become a nurse w/o feelings as their outcomes are usually "good".
After tt case, i went to the tea room to have a drink. as i sat down wif my other colleagues, tears juz started to fill my eyes. couldn't control it. i have always been taught tt as a nurse, you must control your emotions. if u cannot take it, ask for an exit n let it out somewhere else. but tt was my tea room, there was no one else except medical professionals, why couldn't i cry. i was afraid tt pple wld come up to me to ask how i was n wat happened, as i wasn't in the mood to talk abut it.
i left work shortly after my drink n went to reception to return aunty m*ui s*ng some money for my breakfast. i cam face to face wif the family members of the kid. i felt so sad n so bad as i was in the ot n participated in the op. gave them a weak smile as i dragged my heavy feet toward the way home.
wasn't in the mood to take public taransport n squeese wif everyone, so i took a cab home. as i was walking towards the taxi stand, it started raining n the rain was blown inwards towards me. quieckly got into the cab n my tears juz kept rolling out of my eyes. everything tt was around me or was happening to me seem to be as sad as i was. i cried till i slept.
Life is juz so frail. this statement never felt so real in my life. as i asked God abt what has happened, i somehow sensed tt the child is in his hands. so safe n secure. we can look back at all the "mistakes" tt lead to the death of the child, but God knew from the start tt she will be wif Him in heaven that very day. humanly speaking, it was a loss of life, but when we see it in God's eyes, it was a gain. :)
He's got the whole world In His hands He's got the whole wide world In His hands He's got the whole world In His hands He's got the whole world in His hands