Friday, March 02, 2007
ENVY
have you ever felt that the world was unfair? i seem to think of it very often. i always wonder why my thighs are so fat, why can't i have the same flawless skin tt i had in sec sch, why are the clothes tt others wear look so pretty...then the others go something like...she is not 1 of us, don't trust her, she doesn't fit in...go home lah! all tt i have to offer, are things to women. (ofcourse there are things abt guys too, but this doesn;t happen often) nothing nice to say, esp when u don't like the person. started reading the book tt rudy gave me for christmas...picked it up coz it was the thinnest book n i think tt i can finish it the fastest. then God spoke to me through tt book abt this attitude. the attutude tt keeps comparing things. be it size of the body or the hair or clothes, it is juz never satisfied. i am sure tt i won't like it if i was the one tt others were pinpointing n comparing(esp if it was in the -ve way).
Give each other a break the book said! why do we look to tear other down when the same insecurities tt u have are similar to what others are experiencing too. with tt in mind, i have been trying to be accecpting, trying not to gossip abt so and so, spreading news throughout the past few days, be confident abt my body. sometimes it juz seem so much easier to be juz like everyone else...gossip, gossip, gossip...compare, compare, compare. accecpting my body or others juz the way it/they is/are, is very difficult. the thot will be at the back of ur mind. so ther are the days when i go, wow u look nice. but this +ve attitude doesn't last long. then self pity will act up, feeling ugly will seem normal again.
do i really need to be validated by someone else? wat happened to the physical beauty is only skin deep? i found myself fussing over what to wear for a mtg wif my nursing frens. started to try n 2nd guess everything. like...where xw's parents are going to bring us for dinner? will kl wear super nice? will anyone have put on weight? should i wear skirt or jeans? is lsx send me home on his bike? chaged frm skirt to jeans, n a sleevless top to a spagetti strap top and back to the sleeveless top. STOP IT!!! i told myself. juz be comfortable n presentable. don't worry abt others. let them worry for themselves was wat the still small voice within myself told me.
so...my final get up was....black sleeveless top with knitted flower brooch X1 each, blue jeansX1, red specsX1, red bagX1, berks sandals X1pair....n finally....self confidenceX100! :) (why? coz Jesus loves me for me)
consuming fire fan into flames
Luanie_____shone with a magical smile
9:55 PM